【情绪记录日记】20260515

这一周好像都很荒废，除了学法语，就没干什么别的有用的事。需要很多很多的时间来休息，刷手机的时间也比以往多太多，但其实大多数时候点进去都看不完就会退出来，只是找一件不需要费脑子费精力就可以做的事情而已。
我应该写点什么来帮我自己缓解这种状况，但是脑子里很乱，就连做这个记录都常常写到一半就不知道接下来要写什么。
前几天看到一篇贴子说，中文的上限决定了外语的上限，我的中文现在这样糟糕，要怎么把法语、泰语学好呢？
我现在所做的一切努力，出国生活，真的有意义吗？
……两个月以前我开始做网站的时候，其实是想记录自己死之前的想法，这样等我死了之后，有些生前无法讲出来的话，他们也能了解……尽管无法理解……
但有时候想想，写下这些，对于他们来说会不会是一种指责呢？想到这，我就又变得犹豫了，网站已经上线，我却不敢发表什么。其实我也并不是想要指责谁，唯一对我的生命结局负责的就是我自己，做出任何的选择，都是我自己做出来的。
刚刚骑车去健身房的路上，我自言自语着，尝试用英语来表达自己用母语不敢表达的东西，我才意识到自己内心是有恐惧和害怕的。做抑郁量表的时候，有几题问我是否感觉到害怕，当时我只是觉得麻木和茫然，并没有明显的害怕，但当我身处马路上，用非母语表达自己的时候，我感觉到了。准确地说，我不是怕我自己被伤害，而是怕那些伤害我的人会伤害我在乎的人。一如初三那年的那个晚上，我害怕那些来威胁我的高中女生去伤害JY。
我这才意识到，原来我并没有真的从那件事情中走出来。那种恐惧的感受和经历仍然在不断触发。这可能是令我痛苦的一部分原因。
Equality is what I believe. However, people just say so here. When I try to do something to make the minority live a better life, it's forbidden to do so. I have to zip my mouth and choose a safer way to express myself. I am not hurt physically, but I feel depressed and tortured in my mind. Do you know what is worse? That is nobody can help me with it and nobody can understand me. More importantly, I am not capable of protecting the people I care about. I am so powerless. The only solution is to escape. When I was in ninth grade, I chose to escape from my hometown, and now I desperately want to run away from my country, or even this world. I am so weak, right?
I can't say anything in this country, if what I say angers people. Even though what I do can be helpful for those who are suffering, I can't do that in this country. We have to praise the big brother, or we'll be seen as standing against the country. Everyone is living with anger, but they can't complain about it. They have to dedicate themselves to the country, but actually, they shouldn't have to. Some people have the priority of enjoying better things, while other people have no choice but to obey the rules which are unfair to them.